10 music legends who would never make it past The X Factor auditions

The X Factor is back for an 11th series, and God (aka Simon Cowell) only knows who is going to rise from the herd to be this year’s star, and next year’s pub quiz question.

Simon, Cheryl long surname, Mel no surname, and the other guy are this year’s judges.

Pity the poor auditioning hopeful who might not be able to come up to their exacting standards.

But is being rejected by The X Factor necessarily a bad thing? After all, what would Simon and co make of some of history’s most revered music icons?

1. Bob Dylan

Sorry, Bob, we’re not taking you to the live shows (Picture: Sony BMG Music/Getty Images)

Simon Cowell says: ‘Too short, too thin, not good looking, bad hair, terrible voice – and cannot play harmonica.’

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini (nee Tweedy, formerly Cole) says: ‘Why did you change your surname from Zimmerman to Dylan? I like the longer one.’

2. ‘Moma’ Cass Elliot

The judges have decided you’re not a yummy ‘Moma’ (Picture: Metro)

Simon says: ‘Nice voice but… too plain, too fat, and the kaftan shows she’s not prepared to get naked for a music video.’

Mel B says: ‘I don’t have a problem with a few extra pounds, but I don’t like the nickname. What about ‘Scary’ Cass?’

3. Kurt Cobain

You don’t have The X Factor, Kurt, but nevermind (Picture: AP)

Simon says: ‘Only too happy to get naked for a music video – but too uncontrollable, and unlikely to co-operate when told to turn on Christmas lights at shopping centres.’

Louis Walsh says: ‘Nirvana… don’t you think that will alienate any non-Buddhist voters?’

4. Elton John

Nice try with the glasses, Elton, but we’re looking for something more marketable (Picture: BBC Archives)

Simon says: ‘Short, bald, plain… and ginger! Tries to make a joke of wearing glasses, it doesn’t work.’

Mel says: ‘I’ve got to agree with Simon on this one. Ginger just doesn’t work for me either.’

5. Simon & Garfunkel

Haven’t you learned anything from Ant and Dec? Simon on the left and Garfunkel on the right, please (Picture: AP)

Simon says: ‘One’s too short, the other’s too tall, one has no hair, the other has too much hair. It’s not a marketable image, and one has a silly name (not Simon, of course, the other one).’

Cheryl says: ‘I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a silly name, but maybe the taller one could sit down and have the shorter one on his lap – like a ventriloquist’s act.’

6. Janis Joplin

We think you have a lot of raw talent, Janis, but the Joss Stone thing IS getting a bit old (Picture: Metro)

Simon says: ‘Too plain, a bit too hairy, and her voice is too raspy for any of the songs I want her to cover (Unchained Melody, Hallelujah etc).’

Mel says: ‘The voice doesn’t matter too much these days, they’ve got this vocal correction software now… er, so I’ve been told.’

7. The Beatles

Top marks for effort, boys, but face it: you’re no JLS. Try jazzing up your image (Picture: Associated Newspapers)

Simon says: ‘Silly name, unimaginative dressers, too old for a boy band, but they may be more successful as solo acts (especially Ringo!).’

Louis says: ‘In my experience, trying to tease a solo career out of a boy band never works, unless you’re Ronan Keating – but I won’t talk about him.’

8. David Bowie

Is it Mr or Miss? Whichever it is, it’s three nos and an I don’t know from the judges (Picture: Getty Images)

Simon says: ‘Too androgynous. Women won’t vote for him because he’s too feminine; men won’t vote for him because it will make them feel funny. And he’s got weird eyes.’

Cheryl says: ‘He/she would get my vote, except for the fact that I’ve got exactly the same outfit at home.’

9. Iggy Pop

Snakes alive! What were you thinking? X Factor is a pre-watershed programme (Picture: PA)

Simon says: ‘Get this guy out of here! And, for God’s sake, someone buy him a shirt… and a haircut… and a meal.’

Louis says: ‘Icky Pop more like!’

10. Lou Reed

We’re not into heroin chic, Mr Reed, just good clean entertainment (Picture: BBC)

Simon says: ‘Sub-standard voice, looks like something out of Rocky Horror, not a good role model for children, glamorises drug use.’

Mel says: ‘I don’t know, maybe a little something mind-altering might make the lyrics of If You Want To Be My Lover make sense.’

But it’s not all bad news. Here are five stars who would have TOTALLY nailed it as an X Factor hopeful:

1. Freddie Mercury

We love the flamboyance, the energy, and the voice. You’re through to the next round (Picture: Getty)

Simon says: ‘This guy pops. Ticks all the right boxes: phenomenal voice, ethnic roots, mysterious sexuality – even novelty teeth. Perhaps it’s best to lose the band, though (especially the guitarist with granny hair).’

Cheryl says: ‘Another one of my outfits… what’s going on here?’

2. Jimi Hendrix

Does tricks in his act, playing with his teeth etc. Just keep him away from the lighter fluid (Picture: Express/Getty)

Simon says: ‘Snappy dresser, marketable smile, good voice, easy-going personality – and I love the hipster hair.’

Louis says: ‘Not bad on guitar too, but he’s playing it the wrong way around… is that legal?’

3. Michael Jackson

Keen, fresh-faced… and you’ve dressed appropriately for the audition. You’re through, kid (Picture: Publicity picture)

Simon says: ‘Trained to do what he’s told from an early age, happy to alter his image if we think it’s getting stale… there’s probably something in that backwards walking dance move too.’

Mel says: ‘I’ve got my eye on some of his brothers and sisters as well. I’m expecting big things from Tito and LaToya.’

4. Elvis Presley

Good looks, good voice, nice wobbly-legs dance moves. Not hot on the name, though (Picture: Bettmann/Corbis)

Simon says: ‘Good image, OK voice, interesting dancer, clean-cut role model. Not sure about the name Elvis, though. Tell him to go with his middle name – Aaron Presley sounds more homespun and will connect with the audience.’

Cheryl says: ‘A bit too clean-cut for me. Why not give his stage presence a boost with a few crazy antics – like karate moves and, perhaps, a rhinestone-studded jumpsuit? I’m just spitballing ideas here.’

5. Stevie Wonder

Brilliant musician and singer, and will even play the viewers’ heart-strings  (Picture: Reuters)

Simon says: ‘Great stage name, incredible voice, love the beaded hair, and we’ll totally be able to milk the “emotional back story” of the blindness thing.’

Louis says: ‘And get that harmonica off the Zimmerman kid. This guy can actually play it.’

The X Factor kicks off on Saturday night at 8pm on ITV, with a second auditions show on Sunday night at 8pm.